Sunday, May 31, 2009

All cried out..well, maybe!

I haven't blogged for a while, not because I want to overlook the fact that my two kiddos had birthdays and I have pics to upload, or that Caitlyn finished 6th grade...I just haven't felt like turning on the water works AGAIN! I am an emotional wreck these days. Being almost 8 months preggie doesn't help matters, yet it goes waaay beyond that. Allan graduated on May 2nd...and we are still UNEMPLOYED. Thanks to the lovely economy and the battle over every job on the market, he is still at a loss. Just this past week we sent out over 30 resumes, applied for at least that many jobs (EVERYWHERE..he even anwsered an ad in Alaska). We haven't had a bite..nor a nibble. I am really not sure where my head is at anymore. Allan says I need to have more faith that things will work out in our favor, and I know in my heart he is right, my head just seems to overlook that. I don't want to say I am losing/ have lost faith...I just think that it is EXTREMELY shaken right now. I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat because I have just deampt we lost everything and are out on the street...with a newborn. I wake up wipe the tears, and try to put on a brave face...but it seems I end up in bed that night, pushing back the same tears. I decided maybe writing down how I have been feeling would at least help me to start coping better. So, being the sabath (and unfortunately I am home with a very sick little Calleya), I have decided to vent my thoughts. I am also going to add a top 10 of things that I am grateful for, so when I look back at this post a few days from now I don't want to delete it because I sound like a total wasteland. Here trying my best at making lemonade with some very nasty lemons!

10. My home...I can at least say I have a roof over my head. (and when I am angry, I vent by mad cleaning)
9. Computer..and sites that allow me to blog like a nutcase
8. My health..a pretty healthy pregnancy, something I am VERY happy about.
7. Education..Allan's schooling brought us here, and I don't regret him furthering that.
6. My scrapbooks..I actually worked on them the other day, and I am blessed to have happy moments to reflect on.
5. Tithing.. the area I have struggled with, yet I pay it without even a sigh..even if it is the hardest thing to do looking at the balance afterwards.
4. Friends.. I have many close (and far away) friends that I know bless my life just by being there. It goes unsaid a lot, though you all make me smile.
3. My Family.. Both my Mom and Mom-in-law have been so wonderful at bearing the brunt of my tears and depression. Family is a gift I know continually keeps giving back.
2. My beautiful Children and Husband.. they see my tantrums and tears, and still love me. How is that possible?
1. The gospel.. I wanted to say "faith", but that doesn't seem right. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who I know loves me, even when I don't listen or disappoint him.


Mrs.EBG said...

Amy, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know nothing anyone says will bring the peace that having a job will, so I will just tell you I love you. You guys are in our prayers and I know the Lord is so mindful of your situation.
Kiss the Calleya (and all the other kids) bug for me and tell her I hope she feels better soon.
Love you

AB said...

Oh, sweetie. You didn't forget the lemonade recipe...maybe you're just a little sick of it. I know I'm getting there. Keep making lists of things you're grateful for. It helps. You're going to come out of this stronger and more firm in your faith. I promise. Endure, baby!

Love, love, love you!

The Pratts said...

Things are okay Amy! You need to take a step back and relax! Take more walks and get some fresh air when you are upset, it helps, I promise. You can't be an emotional basket case NOW, you only have 2 more months to have just 3 kids, enjoy it - things WILL work out, they ALWAYS do, one way or another.

PS: talk to your doctor, he has special little pills that help in these situations - they are like magic candy! But I really do think fresh air, deep breaths and daily walks are the best way to feel better. Unless you are you and are emotional even when you not pregnant, then happy pills will make unemployment seem like an extended vacation!!! :) Good Luck!

Lisa said...

Amy we are thinking about you and praying for you. The Lord is always mindful of you and your family. I always try to think about what he is trying to teach me in those times when my faith is shaken so that hopefully the Lord will have mercy and move past the lesson since Ive learned what Im suppose to!

All the same its always hard to be in the midst of it....